Starting this blog…

Starting this blog I thought I’d just post about my yarn adventures, visits to yarn shops and stuff like that.

But I don’t actually visit all that many yarn shops. And as I work full time my knitting isn’t as fast as I’d like it to be. But right now, knitting is what keeps me going.

Starting this blog, I never intended to write rambling posts about what I’m doing, how I’m feeling what I ate that day or what sadness is eating at me. But somehow, that’s a way to remember the good days, the bad days and everything in between. And with the fast pace life is progressing, the year almost over again I have to cling to something. I need something to look back to and think ‘yes, that happened and that’s how I felt’ and not ‘I think that’s how I felt when something like that happened’.

Starting this blog I never thought I’d put something like this here: Tread carefully; this is a sad post about loss and appreciating your friends.

The past few days have been hard, I’ve slouched through my days with a heavy heart and I know it’s the season and the dreary weather. But I also know it’s because last year wasn’t a good one.

There were lots of changes, and I lost someone very dear to my heart. In medicine they say if you grief (are sad, unsocial, unmotivated, lose weight…) for longer than two weeks, you’re probably suffering from depression. A year on and there’s still a heavy weight on my heart and I don’t think it will ever go away.

I hope it will never go away.

Yes, it’s gotten easier and I’m not sad all the time but is the expectation really, that after two weeks it’s as if a person you loved dearly wasn’t just ripped from life? As if the person didn’t exist in the first place? That is completely ridiculous!

I want to remember my friend. Her laugh. Her sadness. Her stuttering when she tried to explain something we purposely misunderstood. I want to be sad thinking about what she missed. I want to see places in the world and think about how she would have loved that place. Always with a fondness in my heart. Certainly, linked with sadness but enjoying my life because there were so many things she wanted to do but did not get the chance to experience.

Two weeks ago we celebrated her birthday. She’d have turned 29 this year. There probably would have been jokes about how we’re looking forward to celebrating her 29th birthday again next year. Instead there were murmurs of memories, whispers of wishes.

L we love you and we remember you. I hope wherever you are is grand and you get to pity us for scrambling around on earth without you.

I’m not suffering from depression, I’m honouring a friend’s memory by remembering her and letting myself be sad for having lost someone amazing. And regretting not having told her enough how amazing she was. Feelings are not something we should hide. Not being able to smile shouldn’t be something that’s frowned upon.

I don’t have to feel bad for being sad. I don’t have to be embarrassed to still sit here and cry while writing this. I am proud to have known her and I am proud to admit that no, it’s not okay that she’s gone.

To everyone out there, appreciate the people around you and tell them how you feel about them and how fantastic they are.

 

 

P.s. Youtube knows my mood – sad music is my tune right now…